If I could go back...

It's hard to believe that Russell is almost two and a half years old.

It's amazing how fast it all went by.
I have to say looking back over the past two years I have many regrets when it comes to Russell...Many things I wish I could do over.

If I could go back in time

Russell's birth would have been celebrated. 

I would have cried less and smiled more. I would have realized how lucky I was that my son, though born with Down syndrome, had not one single health issue. I would have realized that him having Ds didn't make him any less perfect, and it wasn't a horrible tragedy, not even close.

I would have listened to my heart when it told me that he did indeed have Down syndrome...I would not have wasted hours searching his little face for the signs of it. I would have accepted it sooner, embraced it, and moved forward.

I would not have been afraid to tell my kids their brother had Down syndrome.
I would not have been scared that they would be disappointed in who their brother was. If I had told them sooner perhaps their young and innocent perspectives on life would have helped heal the ache in my heart quicker...Because Down syndrome never changed their love for their brother. Ever.

If I could go back I would have been more calm when Russell came home from the Hospital.
I would not have constantly worried that something was going to happen to him...I would not have been afraid of how long he slept for, or if his breathing sounded ok, or if there was something more wrong with him than I knew about, or if I was doing things right...I would not have allowed myself to be tied up with all the anxiety of waiting for something else to go wrong.
I would have just enjoyed him.

If I could go back...I would let my kids hold their baby brother more.
I would know that it was ok and that he wasn't so very different than any other baby, that he wasn't going to get hurt or sick by being around people and being held by everyone...He wasn't overly fragile or susceptible to illness...He was just a normal baby.

I would not have obsessed about why he wasn't reaching for toys yet, or why he couldn't seem to coordinate his arms and hands well enough to grab things...I would have realized he was just a baby and that all he needed was a little more time to develop.

More time to just be a baby...A baby who wasn't on a schedule to hit milestones by a certain date or month.

If I could go back I would not have spent time crying and worrying about why he wasn't sitting yet.

I would not have beat myself up thinking I wasn't working with him enough...And I would have backed off and just given him the time he needed to become strong enough to be able to do it.

If I could go back I would not have been selective with the pictures I took of Russell.
I would not care if his little tongue poked out a bit...Or that at certain angles he did in fact look like he had Down syndrome...I wouldn't have cared what people thought, or if they stared, or wondered if they could tell he had it or not.

If I could go back I would not have pushed and pushed for Russell to get up on his hands and knees.
He wasn't ready, he wasn't strong enough...But I worried...I worried he was falling behind the "typical"...I worried he couldn't do it because we were not working hard enough or often enough...And I feared not only would he not be walking by his first Birthday, but that he would not be crawling either.
If I could go back I would know that neither of those things mattered in the long run, that eventually he would do both.

I would not have compared him to other children his age who also had Down syndrome.
I would have realized that each kid was entirely different from the next Down syndrome or not...That just because another kid could do something before Russell, that didn't mean they were working harder or doing more therapies...And that didn't mean that child was smarter than Russell, or less affected by Ds.

If I could go back I would just let Russell chill...Because sometimes that's just what he needed to do before he learned something new.

If I could go back I wouldn't have cared when he learned to hold his own bottle.
I wouldn't have panicked about why he wasn't doing it yet...Because it really wasn't that big of a deal...And in the end he just didn't do it right away because he was that incredibly lazy!! lol

If I could go back I would not have taken all his therapies so damn seriously.
I wouldn't have let them control my life and what I did with my child. I would have taken their tips and advice, but in the end followed my own gut when working with Russell and done what I knew would work best with him. I would not be afraid to trust my own instincts.

I wouldn't have let those stupid Evaluations break my heart, or scare me.
I would not have given them another thought. I would have realized that having a stranger come into my home and sit with my son for an hour and write down what he could and could not do, and then chart him on what level he was functioning act, was complete bullshit...And was in no way accurate of my sons true ability.

I wouldn't have given a crap about him not wanting to stack those stupid blocks!

Or when he was able to put things in a bucket...

Or when he could put the rings on...

It was a waste of time...All of it. 

I wish I would have allowed myself to just play with my son instead of evaluating every God damn thing we did and how it was going to help him developmentally. I wish I could have just relaxed and enjoyed having a baby.

I wish I wouldn't have worried about him being able to stand and hold on to things...He would one day be strong enough to do it, just not then...And I pushed him when he wasn't ready because I was scared we were doing to little...That if we started things to late it would screw his development up.

I wish I hadn't cared so much or placed so much importance on little things like when he could clap...

Or when he could roll a ball...

Because after all it didn't really matter how soon he could do those things, in fact in the years to come I probably won't even remember when he learned to do them, because it won't be important.

I wish I would not have worried about keeping him up to pace with typical kids and when they could eat, and what foods they were having that Russell was not quite ready for.

Or when they could use a cup...Because really, does it even matter?

If I could go back, I would have been ok with Russell not crawling around his first Birthday.
It would not have made me sad. I would not have been so worried and scared that he showed such a lack of motivation and interest in crawling.

I would have just enjoyed the fact that I could put him down in one spot and he would stay.
I would have savored the fact that I could pack my little guy around a bit longer than most Moms get to with their kids.

I would let Russell take his time and just enjoy the phase we were in and not try to rush it.

I would not have worried about when he would pull to stand.
These things fall into place one by one, and there really is no speeding them up, or making them happen sooner. I would have realized that no matter how much we worked on things Russell was not going to do them until he was good and ready to.
Working with him to much simple frustrated him and I both. And that wasn't fair.

If I could go back, I would not have let myself feel sad about things not being how I expected them to be, and I just would have accepted things for what they were.

No Russell could not walk to the river with us last year, and for some reason that was one of the things that hurt my heart last summer...But this year he will...In then end the timeline of when he could do things seems insignificant...Because it happens, all of it.

I would not have been heartbroken last summer at the fact that Russell could not yet walk.
I would have been more patient and less concerned as his second Birthday approached and I knew he wouldn't be walking...I would not have allowed that ache in my heart take the pleasure out of last summer and just watching him crawl around everywhere.
I would have realized that even though he was crawling and not walking, he was still exploring the world around him and he wasn't missing out on anything by not walking sooner.

 I would not have stressed over when he would be able to stand unassisted.

I would have seen more clearly that Russell was just a little boy, like any other little boy.

That he would be his Daddy's little buddy.
And that there would come a day when Russell would be able to run and clap his hands and smile the biggest smile when his Dad would come home from work.

I wish I would have known how ordinary and normal life would be...That Down syndrome was not in any way going to turn our lives upside down...Everything was going to be ok.

There are so many things I wish I could go back and do over.
There are so many things I wish I had not worried about or wasted time stressing over. The worry and headaches over therapies and milestones would not happen if I could go back in time...I would get rid of the pressure I felt from both.
I feel like I wasted the first two years of Russell's life on useless worry.
I should have relaxed and just enjoyed having healthy baby boy. I should not have worried about keeping him as close to "normal" as I could, or when he hit the milestones...I should not have ever felt Russell's life was a huge Down syndrome project, or that I needed to rush him into learning things.
I should have just let him be.

I can't take back everything from the past two years...But going forward I can learn from it.
Going forward I can make sure there is not a moment that I will look back on and want to do over.
I am going to enjoy Russell at every stage he is at, and not worry so much...I am going to be patient and let him go at his own pace and not stress over if I am working with him enough or doing things right.
I am confident that he will grow into a fine young man...But he's going to go at his own pace,
and that's ok.