Not an inspiring post...

Warning....

You will not find anything inspiring or uplifting in this post...Just random thoughts. So read on at your own risk.

Last night Brad was watching a piece on the news about a program in place for people with disabilities to be part of the work force in various jobs. Normally I find these news clips exciting and they make me happy and look forward to the future...Last night for some reason it had the opposite affect on me.

And I HATE that these feelings come out of nowhere...Things you have finally accepted or "gotten over" or feel you have moved past...They hit you out of the blue...Without warning...And leave you feeling sad...And guilty and ashamed that you even still have these feelings.

*sigh*

I sat there watching these people, one young man with Down syndrome...Doing their jobs. And my eyes filled with tears and the first thought that ran through my mind was...

"It can't be true...This. just. can't. be. true."

And what I meant by that was...
That I to this day cannot believe that one day my son will be in a program like this...Hoping for an employer to be nice to him and hire him and put up with him.

I felt the tears spilling over as I watched these young people on T.V struggle to do simple, easy tasks...I mean easy to us...And I would look over at Russell playing cars on the floor with his sister...And all I could think was...

"That won't be him...It can't be...He's just so...Normal"

And it breaks my heart...And not to mention confuses me as to why the hell I still have these thoughts or feelings popping up out of the blue...It was not that long ago that I posted that I was ok with everything...At peace with what the future held for Russell.

So why do these feelings still resurface?

Anyway, I am not dwelling on that issue anymore...It was one of those brief moments of sadness. They come and they go....Not very often...But just now and then.

The second thing that has been bothering me is that the Teachers in our area are on strike.
I am not in agreeance with everything they are asking for...Well...I don't agree with the 15% pay increase they are wanting but the other issues I hands down agree with. Smaller classroom sizes, more funding, more workers for the kids with Special Needs...Ya, that last one makes my heart beat faster...The kids with Special Needs...Something I would not have even thought about in the past.

The Teachers are saying there are to many kids with Special Needs in their classrooms...Sometimes over three at a time...With little or no support because funding has been cut. So basically everyone loses here. The Teachers...The students and the Special Needs kids who are not getting the help they need.

I asked my own kids how many Special Needs students were in their classes and what it was like for them during the day. The responses I got were not good and made me sad.

Each of my kids told me how disruptive it was...How hard it was to even hear the Teacher at times when one of these kids would throw a fit or misbehave. How the Teachers have to spend most of their time with these kids...How they cannot concentrate with the outbursts...And the list goes on.

I don't think my children realize that Russell is Special Needs. Hell, there are days I cannot even wrap my mind around it! So I sit there with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about the future and what it holds.

Russell has a very strong, dominate personality. He has a voice and he uses it.

I am afraid he will be one of these kids who has outbursts and is disruptive to the learning environment of the other students around him.

And all I can think is that its not fair...I want Russell to get the very best education...The same education available to my other children. I want him to be in a typical classroom learning along side of his peers...

But what if he can't?

And yes, this is a ways down the road, Russell is only two right now...But it is something I think about none the less...How can I not think about this?

What does the future hold? And how do I best prepare myself and Russell for it?

Ug, it's just that I hate having these old feelings of fear and sadness resurface...And what I wonder is does it every really go away? Or do we just move into each new phase or stage with new fears and worries?